Blogs don't often work out for me- I suppose their more of a time capsule for the moments I am exploding with change and questions and don't know what to do with them all.
This post comes 8 months after the last one- who knew my life could change so drastically in such a short time. It makes me believe that nobody should ever become so stuck in a routine that life starts feeling long. LIFE SHOULD NEVER FEEL LONG.
I will tell you how my life has changed- some things for the better, some things are uncertain and some things are irreversible with shadows of regret and longing's for the things I left in the first place. Overall though, right now.. life is 3/4 full.
I got to a moment in August where I had had enough. I woke up one day, balled my eyes out yet again and started step by step to get MY life and MY happiness on track. And this is how I did it.
Step 1- Stopped smoking weed. The drug was clouding my memory and blurring everyday into one another where problems seemed to larger to fix or not important enough to make a change in the first place.
Step 2- I saved to move to the city- Melbourne. The coast is beautiful but slow. I was now one year out of Uni and it was time to get going. I slaved away in the place I dread the most- The Casino. Everyday was one day closer to that goal and without weed life was shit. And empty.
Step 3- Broke up with my boyfriend. Never be with somebody that is not open to sharing or supporting your goals. Never stay with someone that can watch you cry about work, money, family and watch you pay for them. I told him I was saving to move and that he should come along. It was the first selfish and independent motive I had given him. But he had to do it on his own. He didn't. Calling in sick day after day and complaint about having no money was the opposite life I was living- although we were joined. I stopped the weed. He didn't. I started going to gym mainly for another environment to get me away from the empty life that comes when weed is no longer there. Filling time was the main objective to keep me sane. Be hard. Know WHAT YOU WANT AND DO IT. Its just that simple isn't it.
Step 4- Fixed my resume. Spent days crafting different ones to suit any other job imaginable.
Step 5- My mom came to help me pack up my house- all the way from South Africa. I am glued to my parents- they are the coolest friends in town, although now they're not that close and it is harder than I ever imagined. Although strangely bare able too. Who wants to live a bare able life? Regardless it was the three most cleansing weeks of my year. I value my moms opinion more than anybody's in the world. We both knew I needed a major change and she gave me that last push to really do it.
Step 6- quit that fucking job. THANK GOD. (Also write a detailed letter to the organization of that cow that controls everyone in a dysfunctional manner- resulting in her crying and attending various meetings with management. Leave in style.)
Step 7- drive. I drove to Byron Bay, Port Macquarie, Sydney and Melbourne in a week. No rush and nobody with me with a jam packed Barina and some pimping tunes. I cried, sang, recorder myself, laughed, cried some more and released everything out of me. I felt cleansed.
Step 8- Have a rebound that you really don't care about, just talk too, dance, kiss and not have sex with. It feels fabulous.
Step 9- call your connections. Meet up with s many people along the way a you can. Arriving in Melbourne had steps of its own.
Melbourne
I found a place. Slept in a park. Walked out on a biatch and deleted her out of my life- no time for that drama. I cooked. I missioned and drove around the town trying to find an area that suited me.
After staying in internet cafe's all day, feeling homeless but happy- I finally got the apartment.
I changed light bulbs, set up my internet, gas, water and my life in general and was ready to conquer.
I managed to get 4 jobs in a week and tried them all- sticking with two. All cafe jobs that came as a breeze after the Casino.
I applied for every type of job out there trying to find a full time one relating to my Communications degree.
A month after setting up in Melbourne I got my first full time job. And it is (sorry to say) fucking amazing and I deserve it.
Who is this girl that 2 months ago was caught up in a web of her own making- no one to blame but herself. How did I get so lost so quickly from who I really am and what I want?
I am wanted, I am loved and I love myself more than I ever have before. Is this the age of 22?
Im suddenly like a sponge and I just want to learn. I want to do drama lessons, salsa classes, read the barefoot investor, read Richard Branson and his successful journeys. I feel unstoppable and the days feel longer without weed and commitments to other people. At this pace I might just take of the world.
And then it happened again. I met another guy.
Thats a story for another time, but all I can say that after 3 months of knowing him I am in no rush to get into a relationship and have told him so. I am also so used to throwing myself in deeply and would love to see him everyday but this time I'm doing it differently. What is the rush?
People have been asking me when we will date. They seem to look at me as if I'm using him because I don't have this intention. My motives are clear. I came out of a 2 year relationship and haven't fully had time to find my entire self. I have things that I WANT to accomplish first. I have not met his family as they live in Queensland. I do not know a lot about him- although sometimes I feel I know it all. But why fully to commit to something when you haunt seen the entire package.
How will he fit in with my family, how will he get on with my friends, how does he treat his sisters and mother, what is he like when traveling, when he's angry, when he's motivated??? I am not picky. I am sure.
This time I plan on looking deeper than looks and money. Find what makes a person tick and if by some miraculous chance your on the same rhythm- then jump and don't let go.
****
Monday, January 13, 2014
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Happiness is...
I work with a wide range of people. Waiters ages range from 18 to 55. This extreme age group gap really adds perspective into the picture. Listening to the staff is fascinating in so many ways. 70 or so waiters work together on a weekly basis. 70 personalities working for one machine that is powered by the Casino. The Casino is KING- we'll come back to that.
The staff flock together through age groups/genders/interests. We cling to each other for company and talk to keep sane after the long hours that come with the job. Just recently I became friends with CHAD.
Whos CHAD?
CHAD has worked at the casino for nearly 20 years. Mid 40's-playa with 3 younger kids and a step wife. The older ladies drool over him, although I don't see it through our age barrier.
Ive worked with him for three years. He once told me he was addicted to picking up buckets when he see's them on the side of the street. WHO EVER SEE'S A BUCKET ON THE SIDE OF THE STREET? Not me.
Anyways, I recently found out that CHAD lives just down the road from my house. Which is handy since we both enjoy a few drinks and a smoke or two, with some friends. Thats how we got talking.
I was invited to his house for a bonfire with some friends on Friday. The place spoke for itself- practical, snug and the part-time haven for his kids.
It was like being in a time capsule. Staring at the swings that hung from tall tree's in his garden reminded me a lot of my childhood. He even had out marshmellows to make smors and showed us his shed that according to his son, is for men only.
I constantly think about my childhood and how awesome my parents really are. My childhood was nothing short of ANYTHING.
So lately at work CHAD tells me about his children and the funny stuff they do/ the problems he has with them. He's stories are ALWAYS light hearted and positive despite the seriousness of the issue. ALWAYS.
Today a South African snobby customer was in CHADS section. We were discussing how people brag about money or treat staff poorly because they believe they are more important. In reality i think its disgusting how some people target staff with their personal issues.
Then CHAD said something and it stuck. He said 'Wealth is cheap and easily accessible, but achieveing true happiness is the hardest thing of all.' Therefore we should put MORE work into achieving self-worth and happiness because in the end what good is all that money if INTERNALLY we are still UNHAPPY?
**
I often believe that life has a plan, yes ok I'll say it- GOD has a plan. I don't like to play the god hand out loud because its taken out of context, but mostly because my belief has nothing to do with anyone.
So when something happens, anything, I like to think what good came of it and how we got to this point.
POSITIVITY.
Ive never had troubles with being positive but things have changed this year and I don't know why. I spend all day trying to understand myself and other people and I feel so distant and despite having many friends, I feel lonely.
I feel like I have been prepared for money issues/career paths/ any of the basic changes that come out of high school. What I am not prepared for is unhappiness. Sure I've been unhappy to a degree but I've always loved my life and I love achieving new things.
This feeling I have is so difficult to explain. I want to explain it because I wish somebody had told me how this felt and what I should do. Do I have depression/anger issues? I don't know but I believe this sudden change has come from living a life in an extreme boring routine. My day: WORK. EAT. WORK.GO HOME. FEED CAT. FEED MYSELF. SMOKE WEED. SMOKE MORE WEED. SLEEP. DREAM ABOUT WORK. ffs.
Im breaking this routine soon, but right now soon seems so far and everyday is hard to keep happy. At work being unhappy seems common, but in the real world people can only handle so much negativity and they push away. I don't want to push people away from me, I just need to sort myself out for now.
As soon as i break this routine, the closer I am to happiness and a successful future.
The staff flock together through age groups/genders/interests. We cling to each other for company and talk to keep sane after the long hours that come with the job. Just recently I became friends with CHAD.
Whos CHAD?
CHAD has worked at the casino for nearly 20 years. Mid 40's-playa with 3 younger kids and a step wife. The older ladies drool over him, although I don't see it through our age barrier.
Ive worked with him for three years. He once told me he was addicted to picking up buckets when he see's them on the side of the street. WHO EVER SEE'S A BUCKET ON THE SIDE OF THE STREET? Not me.
Anyways, I recently found out that CHAD lives just down the road from my house. Which is handy since we both enjoy a few drinks and a smoke or two, with some friends. Thats how we got talking.
I was invited to his house for a bonfire with some friends on Friday. The place spoke for itself- practical, snug and the part-time haven for his kids.
It was like being in a time capsule. Staring at the swings that hung from tall tree's in his garden reminded me a lot of my childhood. He even had out marshmellows to make smors and showed us his shed that according to his son, is for men only.
I constantly think about my childhood and how awesome my parents really are. My childhood was nothing short of ANYTHING.
So lately at work CHAD tells me about his children and the funny stuff they do/ the problems he has with them. He's stories are ALWAYS light hearted and positive despite the seriousness of the issue. ALWAYS.
Today a South African snobby customer was in CHADS section. We were discussing how people brag about money or treat staff poorly because they believe they are more important. In reality i think its disgusting how some people target staff with their personal issues.
Then CHAD said something and it stuck. He said 'Wealth is cheap and easily accessible, but achieveing true happiness is the hardest thing of all.' Therefore we should put MORE work into achieving self-worth and happiness because in the end what good is all that money if INTERNALLY we are still UNHAPPY?
**
I often believe that life has a plan, yes ok I'll say it- GOD has a plan. I don't like to play the god hand out loud because its taken out of context, but mostly because my belief has nothing to do with anyone.
So when something happens, anything, I like to think what good came of it and how we got to this point.
POSITIVITY.
Ive never had troubles with being positive but things have changed this year and I don't know why. I spend all day trying to understand myself and other people and I feel so distant and despite having many friends, I feel lonely.
I feel like I have been prepared for money issues/career paths/ any of the basic changes that come out of high school. What I am not prepared for is unhappiness. Sure I've been unhappy to a degree but I've always loved my life and I love achieving new things.
This feeling I have is so difficult to explain. I want to explain it because I wish somebody had told me how this felt and what I should do. Do I have depression/anger issues? I don't know but I believe this sudden change has come from living a life in an extreme boring routine. My day: WORK. EAT. WORK.GO HOME. FEED CAT. FEED MYSELF. SMOKE WEED. SMOKE MORE WEED. SLEEP. DREAM ABOUT WORK. ffs.
Im breaking this routine soon, but right now soon seems so far and everyday is hard to keep happy. At work being unhappy seems common, but in the real world people can only handle so much negativity and they push away. I don't want to push people away from me, I just need to sort myself out for now.
As soon as i break this routine, the closer I am to happiness and a successful future.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Join the Dots
I feel like I'm standing in the centre of a revolving door but I'm still and my surroundings are rotating around me; a girl standing with her forehead against the glass, her face surrounded by untamed red hair, and staring at you right in front of your face- past her deep green eyes- her pale-pearl skin highlights 22 freckles...
I've had this urge to sit down and write for months, but dam has it been hard to get started. What do I write about? There is so much to say. A thousand blogs would not be enough if it was all categorized. This is an informal blog about the amazing thing called life. LIVES. Not only mine but the amazing people I meet that add perspective to this massive organism we call EARTH.
I work in a Casino serving coffee and food to thousands of customers each day. The most interesting part of being a waitress happens at the table. There I stand with a notebook and pen in hand waiting for the table that said 'They were ready to order' who are now over looking the menu and taking their... how do i say it? SWEET ASS TIME.'
Food choices say a lot about a person- 'how would you like your eggs done?' 'steak cooked?' 'Chilli on that one?' 'Chicken or beef?'- we know allergies, baby problems, ' not to mention their ordering manner, price of items, the way they interact with their guests- bosses, dates, married couples, young mothers, sick elderly, poor elderly, grumpy elderly and extremely slow on a walker elderly. Lets just say, the majority of customers are well...elderly. Its hard sometimes.
Theres the locals who seat themselves, barely speak, most commonly moan and expect all staff know what they are having.Mostly they seem stuck in a routine that is overshadowed by lonliness. A simple activity like visiting the casino becomes the highlight of their day and everything revolves around it. In our restaurant we are constantly reminded that the Casino is KING and we are but a parasite leaching off the wealth from machines and table games.
-my thoughts-
I've had this urge to sit down and write for months, but dam has it been hard to get started. What do I write about? There is so much to say. A thousand blogs would not be enough if it was all categorized. This is an informal blog about the amazing thing called life. LIVES. Not only mine but the amazing people I meet that add perspective to this massive organism we call EARTH.
I work in a Casino serving coffee and food to thousands of customers each day. The most interesting part of being a waitress happens at the table. There I stand with a notebook and pen in hand waiting for the table that said 'They were ready to order' who are now over looking the menu and taking their... how do i say it? SWEET ASS TIME.'
Food choices say a lot about a person- 'how would you like your eggs done?' 'steak cooked?' 'Chilli on that one?' 'Chicken or beef?'- we know allergies, baby problems, ' not to mention their ordering manner, price of items, the way they interact with their guests- bosses, dates, married couples, young mothers, sick elderly, poor elderly, grumpy elderly and extremely slow on a walker elderly. Lets just say, the majority of customers are well...elderly. Its hard sometimes.
Theres the locals who seat themselves, barely speak, most commonly moan and expect all staff know what they are having.Mostly they seem stuck in a routine that is overshadowed by lonliness. A simple activity like visiting the casino becomes the highlight of their day and everything revolves around it. In our restaurant we are constantly reminded that the Casino is KING and we are but a parasite leaching off the wealth from machines and table games.
-my thoughts-
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)