Blogs don't often work out for me- I suppose their more of a time capsule for the moments I am exploding with change and questions and don't know what to do with them all.
This post comes 8 months after the last one- who knew my life could change so drastically in such a short time. It makes me believe that nobody should ever become so stuck in a routine that life starts feeling long. LIFE SHOULD NEVER FEEL LONG.
I will tell you how my life has changed- some things for the better, some things are uncertain and some things are irreversible with shadows of regret and longing's for the things I left in the first place. Overall though, right now.. life is 3/4 full.
I got to a moment in August where I had had enough. I woke up one day, balled my eyes out yet again and started step by step to get MY life and MY happiness on track. And this is how I did it.
Step 1- Stopped smoking weed. The drug was clouding my memory and blurring everyday into one another where problems seemed to larger to fix or not important enough to make a change in the first place.
Step 2- I saved to move to the city- Melbourne. The coast is beautiful but slow. I was now one year out of Uni and it was time to get going. I slaved away in the place I dread the most- The Casino. Everyday was one day closer to that goal and without weed life was shit. And empty.
Step 3- Broke up with my boyfriend. Never be with somebody that is not open to sharing or supporting your goals. Never stay with someone that can watch you cry about work, money, family and watch you pay for them. I told him I was saving to move and that he should come along. It was the first selfish and independent motive I had given him. But he had to do it on his own. He didn't. Calling in sick day after day and complaint about having no money was the opposite life I was living- although we were joined. I stopped the weed. He didn't. I started going to gym mainly for another environment to get me away from the empty life that comes when weed is no longer there. Filling time was the main objective to keep me sane. Be hard. Know WHAT YOU WANT AND DO IT. Its just that simple isn't it.
Step 4- Fixed my resume. Spent days crafting different ones to suit any other job imaginable.
Step 5- My mom came to help me pack up my house- all the way from South Africa. I am glued to my parents- they are the coolest friends in town, although now they're not that close and it is harder than I ever imagined. Although strangely bare able too. Who wants to live a bare able life? Regardless it was the three most cleansing weeks of my year. I value my moms opinion more than anybody's in the world. We both knew I needed a major change and she gave me that last push to really do it.
Step 6- quit that fucking job. THANK GOD. (Also write a detailed letter to the organization of that cow that controls everyone in a dysfunctional manner- resulting in her crying and attending various meetings with management. Leave in style.)
Step 7- drive. I drove to Byron Bay, Port Macquarie, Sydney and Melbourne in a week. No rush and nobody with me with a jam packed Barina and some pimping tunes. I cried, sang, recorder myself, laughed, cried some more and released everything out of me. I felt cleansed.
Step 8- Have a rebound that you really don't care about, just talk too, dance, kiss and not have sex with. It feels fabulous.
Step 9- call your connections. Meet up with s many people along the way a you can. Arriving in Melbourne had steps of its own.
Melbourne
I found a place. Slept in a park. Walked out on a biatch and deleted her out of my life- no time for that drama. I cooked. I missioned and drove around the town trying to find an area that suited me.
After staying in internet cafe's all day, feeling homeless but happy- I finally got the apartment.
I changed light bulbs, set up my internet, gas, water and my life in general and was ready to conquer.
I managed to get 4 jobs in a week and tried them all- sticking with two. All cafe jobs that came as a breeze after the Casino.
I applied for every type of job out there trying to find a full time one relating to my Communications degree.
A month after setting up in Melbourne I got my first full time job. And it is (sorry to say) fucking amazing and I deserve it.
Who is this girl that 2 months ago was caught up in a web of her own making- no one to blame but herself. How did I get so lost so quickly from who I really am and what I want?
I am wanted, I am loved and I love myself more than I ever have before. Is this the age of 22?
Im suddenly like a sponge and I just want to learn. I want to do drama lessons, salsa classes, read the barefoot investor, read Richard Branson and his successful journeys. I feel unstoppable and the days feel longer without weed and commitments to other people. At this pace I might just take of the world.
And then it happened again. I met another guy.
Thats a story for another time, but all I can say that after 3 months of knowing him I am in no rush to get into a relationship and have told him so. I am also so used to throwing myself in deeply and would love to see him everyday but this time I'm doing it differently. What is the rush?
People have been asking me when we will date. They seem to look at me as if I'm using him because I don't have this intention. My motives are clear. I came out of a 2 year relationship and haven't fully had time to find my entire self. I have things that I WANT to accomplish first. I have not met his family as they live in Queensland. I do not know a lot about him- although sometimes I feel I know it all. But why fully to commit to something when you haunt seen the entire package.
How will he fit in with my family, how will he get on with my friends, how does he treat his sisters and mother, what is he like when traveling, when he's angry, when he's motivated??? I am not picky. I am sure.
This time I plan on looking deeper than looks and money. Find what makes a person tick and if by some miraculous chance your on the same rhythm- then jump and don't let go.
****
